Excerpted from Things You Have to Believe to Be a Republican Today:

• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

• Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

• Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.