This just in:

DOJ Inspector General Thrown In Brig With Padilla, Hamdi Ashcroft, Rumsfeld Mum

Dateline: Washington, D.C.
June 2, 2003 3:24 p.m.

A few hours after the Justice Department's Inspector General, Glenn A. Fine, issued a 239-page report critical of the FBI and the INS in their handling of post-9/11 detainees, black helicopters landed on the lawn in front of Fine's office building. Minutes later Fine was bundled into one of the choppers by black-clad troopers. "They just barged in and grabbed him," sobbed Fine's secretary.

Responding to reporters' questions, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer confirmed that Mr. Fine has been designated an "enemy combatant" and would be detained without charges (and without the right to counsel) for the duration of the war on terror. "We can't afford to take any chances," stated Fleischer. "We took a second look at his resume and realized he had studied abroad at Oxford, in the U.K. Now, the Al Qaeda shoe bomber, Richard Reid, was also from the U.K., so you can see the obvious connection. If and when Mr. Fine is cleared of any and all connections with Mr. Reid and Al Qaeda, we will consider releasing him. But it could take a while to sort this all out."

Attorney General John Ashcroft and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, at an undisclosed location with Vice President Chaney, declined to comment.

* NOTE: This is a parody, courtesy of Immigration Lawyer Dan Kowalski -- but you weren't really sure, were you?