Do you remember the film "Scent of a Woman?" A certain scene, the 'inquisition,' from that 1992 movie has played in my mind frequently during the last few weeks. Here it is, cut and transcribed:

Slade: ...He doesn't need to labeled: "Still worthy of being a 'Baird Man.'" What the ** is that? What is your motto here? "Boys, inform on your classmates, save your hide" -- anything short of that we're gonna burn you at the stake? Well, gentlemen, when the ** hits the fan some guys run and some guys stay. Here's Charlie facing the fire; and there's George hidin' in big Daddy's pocket. And what are you doin'? You're gonna reward George and destroy Charlie.

SNIP

Slade: Outta order? I'll show you outta order! You don't know what outta order is, Mr. Trask! I'd show you but I'm too old; I'm too tired; I'm too f*** blind. If I were the man I was five years ago I'd take a FLAME-THROWER to this place! Outta order. Who the hell you think you're talkin' to? I've been around, you know? There was a time I could see. And I have seen boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit; there is no prosthetic for that. You think you're merely sendin' this splendid foot-soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs, but I say you are executin' his SOUL!! And why?! Because he's not a Baird man!

SNIP

Slade: I'm not a judge or jury. But I can tell you this: he won't sell anybody out to buy his future!! And that, my friends, is called integrity! That's called courage! Now that's the stuff leaders should be made of. Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too d*** hard. Now here's Charlie. He's come to the crossroads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle -- that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey.

This scene always moves me. I know I've taken that easy wrong path many, if not most times.

But not today. today I plan to live.

Ever seen someone take the easy way out? Certainly you have. I don't know if you've ever seen either a person or an animal grievously or mortally wounded that just kept.on.struggling for life. I've seen animals, one being this mutt/pitbull/amstaff doggie fight and fight and fight after getting struck by a car.

I've never had an animal give up, actually, unless you count animals terminally ill with either failed kidneys who left on the "long, permanent walk."

But I have seen humans give up. Decide it was too difficult to keep struggling for that next breath, or to stay awake to avoid dying from shock.

I plan to live.

I don't know how bad this cancer is-- there's that one percent chance it's benign. I can live with those odds. If it's malignant, I don't care which stage it has made it to.

I plan to live.

Later this month I'm flying to Colombia to take my child back to his mother. But I have more plans than simply dropping my child off.

I'll be visiting two universities and two high schools while I'm there, looking for work.

This will not be my last visit to Colombia. I got inspired by TL member Observed to look for an expatriate teaching position. Why not look where my child lives based on my conception of family and self?

Of course, I can only expect to make 500-700 dollars per month in my profession. But so what?

What are my priorities?

A) to live.

B) to see my son more often-- if not daily, then multiple times weekly.

C) Everything else is gravy.

This turn is even further away from the US accumulation norm. But I don't care. What's the use of capital accumulation by me if it means my progeny become Plutocrats?

My family comes from peasants and the proletariat. Maybe my ex-wife's family doesn't, but I certainly fall into those categories. Plutocracy doesn't excite me since I know I'll have to bow and scrape to the captains of capital.

Facing this biopsy is mind-clearing. I love it. The Market drops 300-400 points today? I don't care because it doesn't matter in my life except as an intellectual question.  Sure I'd like some explanations, but only because I like to think. I like to understand what goes on beneath the surface.

And I plan to live. I plan to move to Colombia and join the faculty of some university, or high school, or open my own English school. Maybe do some online teaching. But that's not important. Planning to do so means I haven't given up.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs might need to be revisited. People feel energized when faced by death or possible death. I think this describes self-actualization.

Turn the pyramid upside down, inside out. We know who we are and what we need long before we get hungry or need shelter. It's called character. Integrity. When secure in ourselves, esteem becomes irrelevant.

Heck, let me list Jeffinalabama's hierarchy of needs:

1. Self-actualization. We reach this point early in life-- by 6-8 years old. We continue to develop who we are, make changes, add, subtract, remove... but we are who we are. Outside actors influence us, but by golly, they don't control us, our minds, or our sense of self.

2.Esteem needs-- throw this one out. When we reverse the process and make our own esteem, our own self-worth, this part gets subsumed by my level one.

3 & 4. Social and safety needs. We are social creatures, and we always will be. Level 2, social. Safety needs? Safety is an illusion. there is no safety. Look at what happened to one of our posters just a few days ago, spider bites. How does living in an advanced, postindustrial society aid safety?

5. Physiological needs. Top of the pyramid, or right after self-actualization. At least in modern society.

When do these needs become important? Only when they are absent! Not only that, but we delude ourselves to our actual physiological needs. Touching other humans, love, emotions, without these we don't become human. But even with these, we don't necessarily stay human.

Does society consider a person living in a box under a bridge as completely human?  How about someone who has, say, brown skin, black hair and speaks Spanish only, but lives here in the United States?

Throw out the pyramid and make your own. Who am I to tell you how to live or what to do? It doesn't matter, does it? We know ourselves, we know what we're capable of, and what we won't tolerate.

As for me, during the last three or so years here at TalkLeft, I've grown. I've come to understand just WHERE I stand. And that, much like Martin Luther and Ghandi, I'm not concerned with disagreement in personal philosophy. Why? Because I'm correct. I often don't follow the correct path, but I know what it is. My path, however, may be different from yours.

And beginning today, I plan to continue stating that I plan to live. I can do this by whatever means necessary. If I find that I get gutted, but after recuperating it doesn't hurt? I'm alive.

If I find I will never have an erection again, or if I become permanently erect, it is of no consequence. It becomes a tailoring issue, not a life issue.

Living consists of much more than just existing. I have been blessed with another challenge to overcome. I can continue becoming my self-actualizing being.

I'm an independent actor, although I embrace my interdependence. Those things that I want or think I need? That's the system fooling me to consume more than necessary.

Discussing religion or faith makes me uncomfortable.I'm not trying to start a new religion here. Ideally, my mind and my belief clusters now try to move beyond religion, politics, capitalism, communism, or any other such labels.

I don't know what the new label ought to be.  All I can say is,

I plan to live.

Thanks for reading.