I swear on my children, this is true: A little old lady, named "Melita," 85-90 yrs old, was sauntering across the backyard from her house to ours. ( We had a nice, big swimming pool out there. A peaceful smile across her lips, and a beach towel draped across her arm, as he walked to the pool, without so much as a glance in our direction.

A neighbor was also there helping us and she explained that folks there just take for granted that one's home is really a community home and they would never think to "ask permission" to use something like a neighbor's pool.

The neighbor, Lucinda, noticing we still couldn't get our eyes off the elderly "guest" as she lowered herself into the shallow end of the pool, and with our mouths open, faces aghast. "What," she asked? "what's the matter? "Melita's no trouble, she'll just do her 20 laps and then go back home."

It never dawned on our new neighbor, Lucinda, that what we were staring at was the fact that Melita was stark, butt, naked! And the fact that it seemed so normal, so natural, it made us feel ashamed that we even thought, "whoah! What's that???"

It was so great. As a matter of fact it was so great I couldn't wait to get outta there, and come back home to New York.

But, if you're going to drive in NYC, you should know a couple of things. There's a big difference between dangerous, erratic, chaos, and logical, systemic, chaos. What outsiders must understand is that there's a method to the madness to driving in the City.

If you're in the far right lane of a 10-12 lane boulevard or avenue and have to make a left turn up ahead, you must be bold. Turn on your left directional and just start crossing across the lanes. They will let you in, but you must be assertive. Everybody is in the same boat and everyone has to make those same maneuvers. Disregard the horns and middle finger salutes; that's just part of our culture &  custom. It's meaning is, "If you're going to go, go already! Don't be timid and fiddle faddle around; stick your nose into traffic and punch it! NYC is not Boston. There, if you put on your directional and try to make a lane change, those Bean Dogs, of course, will speed up, honk their horn, and will attempt to commit a murder/suicide. New Yorkers are not suicidle, everyone has to make those same 12 lane maneuvers but you have to show them you know what you're doing. The rule is, if you can stick your nose into a lane, you own it. But you have to act like you own it. And, of course, when another car sticks its nose in front of you, don't speed up, just let him in. It's o.k. to flip him the bird if it makes you feel better. Believe me, if you drive like you own the city, your fellow drivers will appreciate it, and possibly even let you live should you break down and require assistance.

Well that's all for today's lesson except just one quickie you must learn. All the outsiders always complain that City drivers are always swearing and blowing their horns even when you step on the gas the instant the traffic light turns green. Well, contrary to what you've been taught, by the time the light turns green you should be a block and a half down the road already. The trick you have to learn is to turn your radio to a station and a volume where you can discern a faint "click-click" as the traffic light is relaying from Red to Green. The instant you hear that first "click," Pedal to the Metal, Bro or you'll need reconstructive ear drum surgery from the bombastic noise explosion you'll cause as everyone pulls out to pass you while you stupidly sit there thinking that you have to wait for the green light to go.