Jimmy on the President’s announcement that Osama Bin Laden was killed

“Did you hear what happened last night? What happened on Khloe and Lamar? Apparently - after nine years of searching - last night, America voted - and Osama Bin Laden was eliminated from the planet Earth. It was down to him and James Durbin.”

“He (the President) was happy. I would like us to kill him every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week. The news spread very quickly. I think it was the first Twitter death rumor ever that turned out to be true.

And, of course, it explains why the royal couple postponed their honeymoon to Abbottabad.”

“After all the talk about caves, he turned out to be hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan.”

“There were a number of odd details that tipped US intelligence officers. The house had no phone or internet connection - it was surrounded by security walls - the occupants didn’t put their trash out, they burned it. And the name on the mailbox was a tipoff too. It said Al Q. Aeda. That was a red flag. The red flag was a red flag too.”

“All the details about how the operation went down are starting to come out – but what we don’t know is - who actually put the bullets in Osama bin Laden’s skull. They keep saying we may never know – but I am here to tell you tonight that – I do know - and it was me.

On Sunday night, I led a team of Navy Seals into Abbottabad. We traveled by helicopter, under a moonless sky. We got into the compound by pretending we were there to deliver a pizza. And then, we stormed the mansion – there was a firefight. I kicked down the door – and there was Bin Laden, in his pajamas – or maybe those were his regular clothes – it’s hard to tell the difference. I could tell he was scared. I raised my gun. I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘The tribe has spoken. B*tch.’ And then I fired two bullets into his head. We call that a double tap. And now – I guess I’m a hero. Those guys – those Navy Seals really are heroes. Never mind the bravery - could you imagine killing bin Laden and then not telling anyone? I’d tell everyone! I’d tell bin Laden. ‘Guess what? I’m here to kill you!’”

This is probably the biggest story of the year in the United States. It is the only story on the news. This would be - I’ll tell you what – if you’re a politician looking to have a little public men’s room sex - today was the day!

Jimmy on reports that Bin Laden’s body was buried at sea…

“By the way, ‘buried at sea” – means “dumped in the ocean.’ That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach.

And so – Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever.”

“Meanwhile – between the death of Bin Laden and the marriage of Kate Middleton and Prince William - it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business.”

Jimmy on Donald Trump

“Donald Trump has had a busy week – the President got sweet revenge last night by making the bin Laden announcement in the middle of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’

By the way – I should point out that - on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk.”

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